Emotionally-focused therapy (EFT) for couples is a highly effective method for resolving relationship distress and creating deeper connection. EFT methods prioritize the innate need for a secure bond with another human. An insecure bond compromises our physical and psychological welfare. EFT zeros-in on the barriers to connection and carefully dismantles and replaces them with an open pathway to bonding. First one partner, and then the other, each learns to walk the new path, both alone and then together. On this new path, partners jointly create a bond by sharing emotions.
Anything that thwarts the honest and direct expression of emotional needs is a barrier to the bond that we depend on. Cliched but true, the barriers to connection are forged in childhood. Lessons learned so long ago feel instinctive; we remain oblivious to them and the effect they have on our relationships. The clinician trained in emotionally-focused therapy creates opportunities to notice patterns of feeling and reacting that form these hidden barriers. Our awareness offers the chance to break out of reflexive, default reactions.
Can I do it?
Virtually everyone has the capacity to re-shape default reactions. In fact, we are born in with the innate ability to share emotions. An infant’s survival hinges on alerting the parents that there is a need. Infants cry when they’re hungry; they cry when in pain; they cry if frightened. Ideally, parents get the signal and meet the infant’s need. With parents who are responsive to the emotional signals, the infant learns to rely on the outside world as a source of comfort. Moreover, the infant senses that emotional needs are legitimate, important, and worthy of attention.
Word of caution: responsiveness differs from indulging or spoiling a child. Good parenting also involves teaching a child to be patient, to take turns with others, and to master a myriad of other skills for living successfully in our social world. One of the surprising facts about parental responsiveness is that “good enough” gets the job done. One study showed that the mothers of securely-bonded children are in-tune-with and responsive to their children about 30% of the time.
Emotional Styles.
Shut-down needs, turn away from partner!Demand, accuse and scare partner away!
Denied adequate parental responsiveness, children learn that other people are a dubious source of comfort and bonding. Simultaneously, they learn to doubt their emotional needs. The doubt disguises emotional needs as weakness and things to be hidden, or deforms their expression into demands or accusations. These become our emotional styles in our most intimate adult relationships. In the moments when we need connection the most, we unwittingly cut ourselves off from the person we need.
If one of these descriptions sounds like you, individual emotionally-focused therapy may help you. You can learn to “tune in” to your emotions and to express them in a way that pulls loved ones closer, rather than push them away. You don’t need to wait for couple therapy.
Check out this article entitled, “Social rejection shares somatosensory representations with physical pain” by Kross et al. For non-geeks, here’s my summary: Researchers studied the brains of 40 adults (21 women, 19 men) who had been rejected by a romantic partner within the previous six months. Using functional MRI imaging, they compared the location of brain activity that occurred while the research participants experienced physical pain (heat applied to the forearm just below their pain tolerance) and while they experienced emotional pain (seeing a picture of the rejecting partner and remembering how it felt to be rejected). The same brain regions were activated with both types of pain, and the authors concluded that “…intense social rejection may represent a distinct emotional experience that is uniquely associated with physical pain” (p. 4). In essence, “hurting” after an unwanted breakup is not simply a metaphor.
If you are curious about this, you have probably already experienced the intense emotions that accompany serious romantic relationships, married or otherwise. From the excitement of the early days, to the sense of comfort and security that accompanies commitment, to the anguish of feeling separate when something goes wrong, our most intense emotions occur in the context of our intimate partnerships. A growing body of research is revolutionizing couple therapy by demonstrating that these emotions are part of a neurobiological system in humans, and other mammals, that is the basis of social bonding (Carter, 2005; Insel & Young, 2001; Young et al, 2011). To the list of other instinctive needs, such as the needs for food and sleep, we can now add the need for an emotionally secure relationship, or attachment, with another human being. In adulthood, disruptions in the security of these partnership attachments are at the root of emotional distress in couples. Emotionally focused couple therapy (EFT) specifically targets these intense attachment-related distress-emotions with a structured, step-by-step therapeutic method. The focus on emotions that are signals of attachment-related problems and the structured method are what sets EFT apart from other couple therapies.
Part 1: Emotions
The emotions, joy, fear, anger, sadness, shame, surprise are part of the universal experience of being human — even being mammalian (Panksepp, 1982). They are part of a neural system that evolved over millions of years to alert us to situations in our environment that require action. Fear cues us to protect ourselves. Calmness tells us that we are safe and can let down our guard. Without emotions to alert us to the dangers in our environment, we don’t survive. Emotions are adaptive as part of the fight – flight – freeze response when we perceive and anticipate danger (Panksepp, 1998). Put simply, emotions are part of a psychobiological self-protection program.
Most of us are more familiar with the protective features of our peripheral nervous system. After burning their fingers once or twice, children learn quickly to avoid touching a hot stove. The experience of hot and cold, soft touch and deep pressure signal us about the safety of, first, our skin – our first line of defense. If you submerged your hand in boiling water, the burning pain instantly signals you to remove your hand from danger. Similarly, we know that we are hungry because of sensations (and noises!) in our stomachs. When our eyelids close involuntarily, our bodies feel heavier than usual, and we find it hard to concentrate, we conclude that we are tired. These sensory experiences are messages about the status of our physical safety and well-being. We stay healthy when we respond to these cues by doing what our body is telling us: eat now, sleep now, don’t put your hand in boiling water!
Likewise, the emotions we feel in our intimate relationships signal us about our psychological safety and well-being. Calmness and relaxation, breathing easily, and a sense of peace with our partner typically signal that all is well in the relationship: the need to feel safe and secure with our partner is being met. And, like burning pain and hunger, that knot in your stomach may reflect your uncertainty about whether your mate really loves you. You may notice a heaviness in your chest when you feel sad and unimportant to your partner. Or you may feel numb or dead inside, trying to anesthetize yourself against the despair of isolation from your spouse. These are psychophysiological messages that something is amiss in our attachment relationship: our need to feel safe and secure is not met. The signal means do something to reestablish a safe, secure connection. It is an elegant system that works well, if we pay attention to the psychophysiological messages and take action.
System failure has a few common causes. We may not be paying attention to the emotional sensations and experiences. We may note the sensations, but not know how to decipher their meaning or know what to do about them. Or our actions may be perpetuating the distress. When both members of the couple struggle with understanding their attachment emotions, and act in ways that unwittingly increase the distressing emotions, a negative interaction cycle forms. Quickly, the couple’s cycle becomes habitual, automatic, and painful. Though they want to feel close and connected, they end up feeling distant and isolated.
That is where EFT comes in. It reconfigures the habitual cycle that create distress and distance by targeting the emotions that drive the cycle. The goal of successful EFT is a new interaction cycle that is attuned to and meets the attachment needs of both partners (Johnson, 2004). The research shows that couples who successfully complete EFT retain the benefits of treatment as long as three years after it ends (Halchuk et al, 2010) and, in some cases, show continued improvement even after treatment ends (Clothier et al, 2002).
To read more about attachment needs and the negative cycles that are typical among couples, read Hold Me Tight by Susan Johnson.
Coming soon: Part 2, What is Attachment?
References
Broad KD, Curley JP, Keverne EB. Mother-infant bonding and the evolution of mammalian social relationships. Philosophical Transactions of the Royal Society, Biological Sciences 361(1476): 2199-2214, 2006. Carter CS. Biological perspectives on social attachment and bonding. In: CS Carter, L Ahnert, KE Grossman, SB Hrdy, ME Lamb, SW Porges, N Sachser (Eds), Attachment and Bonding: A New Synthesis (pp 85-100). Boston: Massachusetts Institute of Technology Press, 2005. Clothier P, Manion I, Gordon-Walker J, Johnson SM. Emotionally focused interventions for couples with chronically ill children: A two year follow-up. Journal of Marital and Family Therapy 28:391-399, 2002. Halchuk RE, Makinen JA, Johnson SM. Resolving attachment injuries in couples using emotionally focused therapy: A three-year follow-up. Journal of Couple & Relationship Therapy: Innovations in Clinical and Educational Interventions 9(1):31-47, 2010.
Insel TR, Young LJ. The neurobiology of attachment. Nature Reviews 2:129-136, 2001. Johnson SM. The Practice of Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy. New York: Brunner-Routledge, 2004. Panksepp J. Affective Neuroscience: The Foundations of Human and Animal Emotions. New York: Oxford, 1998. Panksepp J. Toward a general psychobiological theory of emotions. Behavioral and Brain Sciences 5(3): 407-467, 1982. Young KA, Gobrogge KL, Liu Y, Wang Z. The neurology of pair bonding: Insights from a socially monogamous rodent. Frontiers in Neuroendocrinology 32(1):53-69, 2011.
A recent study using mice to mimic stress and depression in adolescents suggests that the teenage years are a particularly …
Ann-Marie Codori, Ph.D.
Dr. Codori is a clinical psychologist who provides individual psychotherapy, marriage counseling or couple therapy, and group psychotherapy. Areas of expertise include the treatment of mood disorders, such as depression and bipolar disorder.
